The Choices We Make
by vault94
Summary: Now here they were in an old crappy place that once use to mean so much to both of them. Dean old and weary and Sam insane all because a hunt had gone wrong. The life of being a Winchester. please read and review. warning no beta reader
1. chapter 1

**takes place season 6 warning no beta reader:**

"Dude you remember when you lost the game to that witch and you were like a 100 years old?" Sam asked his brother who was basically having a relationship with his greasy hamburger.

"Yup I remember. Old and saggy but I thought I was handsome" he smiled and took another big bite and moaned at the taste of his food.

He looked up at Sam whose mouth was open and eyebrows hidden in his hair line Dean wiggled his eyebrows and took another bite delighting in the way when Sam's face turned to one of disgust.

"You said you would eat healthier so you could still be kick ass in your old age. This" he gestured to his beloved food. "is not healthy. Your going to drown in the grease." Sam sighed and picked up his grilled chicken sandwich.

And Dean rolled his eyes. "I'm young Sammy I'm gonna die soon probably so I will eat what I want and be happy with it." he took another big bite to prove his words.

Sam didn't respond he was to busy looking at someone in the bar. But Dean was to engrossed in his burger to care.

"well that was good we should go now." Sam dug through his pockets a frantic look on his face and Dean frowned. "Man I'm still eating"

Sam grabbed Deans arm. "We should go now." Sam glanced to the bar and he paled slightly. Dean turned to look at what was freaking his brother out so much. "Dean" Sam's voice sharp and panicked. Dean looked at him for some reason he was feeling the cold pit of despair work its way into him. "Dean don't." was all his brother said.

So being Dean he looked anyways.

His breath caught as he took in a beautiful women in a dark red dress. Long brown hair trailed down her back and she was talking to some guy who was butt ugly. The guy was balding what the hell was a hottie doing with him?.

"Whoa she's hot. You want your big brother to.." but Deans voice trailed off as he finally got a look at the girls face.

Beautiful full lips high cheek bones dark brown eyes and a smile that warmed his once battered heart. "Lisa" he breathed out.

She looked amazing he wanted to go over there and embarrass his woman take her home and play ball with Ben. Memories of there times raced through his mind the smiles the hugs the sex all of it passed through his mind and it all died when he saw the mans hand go to her waist and walk her over to a table in the other direction. Whispering words in her ears as she giggled.

Dean wanted blood.

He wanted that guys blood.

And he wanted it now.

Dean turned back to his food that now repulsed him. He wanted to through it up he wanted to beat the shit out of the guy who was touching his girl. "Dean" Sam's voice was loud and interrupted his rants and looked up at his baby brother. His hazel eyes full of concern, sympathy, understanding and Dean hated looking at him.

Sam watched his brother look back at this food. His knuckles white as Dean ignored him and the couple that sat 30 feet away.

Sam sighed. Of all the bars in the world why the hell did they get screwed.

He had seen Lisa at the bar and thought about maybe getting Dean to go over there and talk to her. He knew about how Dean went to see them after Sam let him get turned, Sam flinched from the memory.

He hated himself for doing that to his brother and how he felt satisfied and curious to see what would happen it nearly made him cry each time. But seeing Lisa again and maybe a face to face apology, even though it wasn't Deans fault, would make his brother feel better about the whole mess.

That was until he saw the dude that was balding kiss her and then order them both drinks.

If Dean saw he would flip so he tried to get his brother to leave without asking questions. _Damn it Sam you know he would ask question its Dean for Gods sake_. He just wanted his brother to get the hell out of there before he saw but he failed and Dean looked crushed.

"Ok" Deans voice shocked Sam back to reality and he looked at his brother who was starting to stand.

"I think we should go" he said it with a smile on his face and Sam knew his brother was close to the edge.

He eagerly agreed and practically ran out the door. He watched his brother unlock his door and wondered how stable he was.

"Hey uh you want me to drive?" Dean looked at him a scoffed.

"Get in the car bitch" and with that Dean slide into the driver seat. Sam walked over to the passenger side this was gonna be a long drive.

* * *

Dean and Sam finally made it back to the motel.

Dean was tense when he was driving blasting the music which he knew annoyed his brother but he didn't care all he could see was that dirt bag touching his girl! Sam hadn't said anything. Usually his brother would say _calm down its gonna be ok Dean _or _dude lay off the gas come on Dean please talk to me _but Sam didn't do any of that he just sat there glancing at Dean a lot but saying nothing.

Finally they got back to the motel and Dean was livid. He didn't know what to do any more. He wanted to scream fight or drink. He paced the room as Sam sat down and watched him.

"Dean" _here we go _Dean thought. "I'm sorry you saw that" he was quiet and Dean stopped and looked at him.

"She has a right to be happy I know that" Dean started pacing again. " but why the hell does it have to be with a balding fat dirt bag" he voice raised to a shout. Sam smiled a little. And Dean paused a horrified thought came to him. "oh my god. You don't think he's better looking then me do you?" Sam just stared at him as a smile twitched on his lips. "No no no I'm handsome I'm freaking beautiful! Right!" he screamed and turned to look at Sam who now was smiling.

"Dean your" the phone rang and Dean grabbed it. He didn't want Sam to answer he knew he was beautiful.

Looking at the caller idea he smiled things were looking up. "Bobby please please please tell me you have a job for us" he needed a job he needed to kill something. An image of the balding man came to his mind and he smiled. Maybe he could...

"No" he looked at Sam.

"What" he asked innocently phone suspended by his ear.

"We cant hunt Lisa's date Dean he's a person. An ugly person" he added quickly.

And smiled Dean grumbled and put the phone back to his ear. "Are you idjits still there!" Bobby was annoyed now.

"ya were here. You got a job for us?" _please say yes please say yes_.

" Yup down in North Dakota."

"what do you think it is" he was thrilled he now had something to kill that Sammy couldn't object to. Maybe a vampire cutting its head off slowly. "think it's a witch" Dean sulked a little but hey at least its something. "Big nasty she's old I can tell that from the hex bags the police sent me. So far 3 people are dead. Both men and women so I don't know the connection yet but I'm sure you and your brother can figure that out."

"alright town name and list of victims" bobby listened the names and they had a town their surrogate father told them to be careful and hung up leaving Dean filling anxious. Dean ended the call and Looked at Sam who was still sitting on the bed waiting to hear about the job.

Dean smiled. "We got ourselves a hunt Sammy" Sam sighed and Dean sat down the information.

"Alright when you wanna leave?" he pulled a beer out of the small fridge and handed another to Dean who took it and gulped it all down. Sam slowly drank waiting for the answer but already knowing what it was.

"Right now little brother pack and lets loaded up." Dean was smiling like a little kid who just got a happy meal with a really cool toy inside. His brother was obsess and he knew it would get worse if he tired to stall Dean. So packed he did. And 10 minutes later they were on the road headed to North Dakota.

Sam looked at Dean who was tapping and smiling his blood thirsty smile.

"Dean" he didn't know what to say to his big brother to make him calm down to tell him it would be alright he knew either way Dean wouldn't listen but Sam had a really bad feeling about this hunt. Something was going to happen and he was afraid that Dean would get cocky and he would get hurt.

Sam looked at Dean.

He really looked at his big brother and remembered when he had lost Dean. How devastated he had been after losing him, he got along barely living without his big brother and he knew that he couldn't do it again.

"Sam why are you staring at me." Dean questioned while staring intently out the window. Sam should share his fear with Dean he knew that he should but his brother wouldn't listen to him anyways. "no reason." Sam looked away trying to squash the uneasy feeling that was creeping across his chest holding his heart and studied the material in front of him.

Ignoring it all.

Dean looked out the window and just wanted to kill something anything right now. Something inside him told him to be careful that something bad was going to happen but Dean wouldn't care. Not now anyways.

**a bit slow yes but needed to get the story started please leave reviews if your interest in the story continuing.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning still no beta reader please review it would mean so much to me!**

Sam sat looking at the computer his eyes getting heavier and heavier he had been staring at the screen for hours and found only a little bit about the witch. She was old and was supposedly executed. Or maybe she was and she found a way to come back he wasn't sure.

The panicked people had hung her then drowned her and then set her on fire and yet the bitch was still living. Her record was clean before all of this mess started here it said she was a healer but chased across country, then found when your in your prime time and killed or maybe in this case tried being killed, Sam wasn't sure but he kinda felt sorry for her.

Being hated hunted and then killed Sam knew how she felt but turning twisted in the end was not good.

Dean walked in the motel locking the door behind him. He went for a dinner/ beer run and felt good they would be hunting tonight. Well they will be as soon as he told Sam. They had been in town three days and Dean was getting antsy he wanted to kill the witch and yet they were still doing research. How he hated research but he knew Sam was right. _"Dean we cant go in blind man"_ but Dean really needed to kill something. He would just talk his brother into it.

Dean set the beer down and turned to face the ancient motel room. The wall was that ugly 70s kind of color with flower wallpaper. The carpet was stained with something that Dean didn't want to know about. He wanted to get a room some time that was over 30 bucks he wanted a good motel that rated above a 1/2 star.

Dean looked at Sam and smiled.

His brother was sitting in front of his computer looking like he was staring at the computer but his eyes were closed his head rested on his hand his hair was in his face. His brother was out cold.

Dean smiled more as he set about getting dinner ready Sam looked so young when he slept. It was nice to see sometimes. He had been through a lot but Sam? He kept getting screwed over and over again by fate by angel by demons they all were out to get Sam and they were battering his poor baby brothers soul which had been through enough already.

He took off his jacket and walked over to Sam debating the best way to wake up his little brother. He smiled. Dean started blowing air in Sam's ear, lightly at first. Sam's noise scrunched and ignored it, Dean did it again. Sam sighed and looked irritated in sleep. "Rise and shine Sammy boy" he yelled right in to his brothers ear.

Sam yelped, his hand sliped away and his head fell slamming into the computer making a crunching noise which had Dean laughing and walking back towards the food. "Dude seriously" Sam sat up rubbing his forehead. Dean just laughed.

"Got food and then whatever you wanted. I mean its not food. Its like green crap in a torte"

Sam sighed and walked over. "it's a veggie wrap you idiot"

Dean shrugged "whatever still gross" He sat down and took a big bite of his hamburger. "Dodna fiduo ankfduhya" Sam looked up at him and smirked.

"Once again Dean this time in English." Dean stuck out his tongue which was still occupied with chewed up food. Sam grimaced and looked away. Dean swallowed and tried again. "Did you find anything"

Sam cleared his throat. " ya a little. Uh mid 20s girl no name but she fit's the profile. She was a healing witch but people started blaming her for their problems and shunning her then some guy went preaching about witches about there supernatural abilities and how evil they were, that they needed to die so the witch hunts started. Thousands of women died. Young old they were all hung, drowned and then burned. Including our girl." Dean shook his head. "Got what was coming to them."

Sam looked at him his eyes sharp and disbelief coated them. "They killed thousands of women Dean just because they were suspected. There aren't that many witches world wide none of them knew what to look for so all the people that were killed over 99% were just women Dean." Dean watched his brother look back down at his food. He sounded like he felt sorry for them and he was sorry for the women who weren't witches whose lives were ended because a bunch of idiots were in disbelief when a leaf they ate made them feel better.

Dean finished his meal and started back on the case. "Does she have a weakness?" Sam had finished already and was back at the computer his eyes were dim and half hooded. His brother was exhausted, he hadnt been sleeping well lately, always tossing and turning with nightmares. _At least that means its really Sam_ he thought.

Dean kicked his bed in frustration they wouldn't be hunting tonight. "Says here that she loved to use human heads and that witches back then had a fear of cats. " Dean looked at him eyebrows raised. "Cats?"

Sam nodded. "Cats."

Dean sat on his bed drinking his whiskey. Normally the whiskey was with held when they were on cases so they would have enough for possible wounds but he needed it. Lisa constantly popped up in his mind and he couldn't escape it, he wanted to cry but he didn't he did what comes best and buried it.

"So silver is a weakness also so maybe a knife dipped in cats blood or something" Sam rubbed the sleep away in his eyes. He was almost falling asleep again. "How the hell are we going to get cats blood." he sounded grossed out and confused Sam just laughed. "Nope that's on you man. I do the research you get material. Well I called Bobby see if he knew anything he didn't but he's doing some research for us. " Sam sighed and stared at the computer again. His brain was foggy but he couldn't get his mind wrapped around this. Cats blood? Silver knife? It just didn't seem right, and this witch living so long she was bound to have extra juice. He needed more time, more research.

"Come on Sammy boy time for sleep" he felt Deans hands on his arms and he didn't realize he had drifted off. Dean pulled him up and Sam shook him off and mumbled something like "I'm good" and then the next thing he remembers is the soft feel off the pillow before he was consumed into darkness.

Dean watched as Sam struggled to walk to bed then face plant it. Smiling he watched Sam slowly crawl up to the top and encircled the pillow in his arms and then his breathing evened out.

Dean took off his shoes then laid down. He had everything he wanted. He had his baby brother back and sane. Looking over at Sam he smiled. He was worth it. Saving Sam was worth it.

But memories of Lisa and Ben snuck up on him. Smiling and laughing hugging and Kodak moments. Pictures Lisa loved taking pictures. Dad only took maybe 5 in total there entire lives. When they got cell phones Sam and him would take random pictures of each other and saved them but we were always getting rid of phones so the photos went with them but Lisa's photos went in frames capturing and publicizing the happiness these people shared and now some balding man was hanging on his wall taking his place hugging Ben. Tears pricked his eyes and he sat up and charged up Sam's computer.

He needed this hunt he needed to kill something.

* * *

"We cant go hunt yet Dean. We don't know everything about her. We don't even know how powerful she is."

"Well we know where she's at, what she's scared of that's good enough for me" Dean grabbed his guns filled with silver and grabbed the old brown bag that held two knives coated in cats blood. No mentioning of where that came from.

Earlier that day Sam had discovered a pattern about the witch and its location. It was in a circle surrounding woods she was in the middle which equaled death for her. Dean shrugged on his jacket and headed for the car being followed by Sam's bitching. "Dean"

"Sam ok calm down. Its enough. Alright." Sam look unconvinced but got in the car. Slamming the door but not wanting to fight with his brother.

Dean smiled and started his girl.

The hunt was on.

**PLEASE REVIEW GUYS! this is purly my imagination, i have no idea why cats blood but it worked so leave reviews please. **

**so sorry for anyone who had read this and everything was changed and out of place i am sorry!**


	3. Chapter 3

**WARNING: CUSSING. please enjoy**

"Dude don't you think we should wait until Bobby calls us back?" Sam whispered to his brother as they crouched outside the layer of the witch. Dean was all ready to gank the witch going on and on about how they were ready that they could take her. Sam knew that it was Deans way of coping about Lisa but this could get them both killed.

"We don't need him! Come on man we have the knife dipped in cats blood, which is still weird to me but she's a strange witch"

"Exactly! She's not like the other ones what the hell are we suppose to do if this plan falls apart." Dean shrugged and turned back to the door. "it wont this is going to work." Dean signaled his brother to follow him and they moved stealthy towards the house.

Dean knew this was reckless. Every fiber of his being screamed that this was a bad idea but the memory of Lisa with that jack wad just ate him up inside and he wanted blood. Well since he cant have the guys blood he would settle with the witches.

Dean eased the door open, the hunt intoxicating him now he was full of energy and anticipation for his next kill. The house was old and deserted. Couches laid on the floor dust covered every inch of the place. It was cold in the house as soon as he stepped in he wanted to leave but this was his job and this bitch would be ended tonight.

A whistle sounded behind him and Dean turned to face his little brother. Sam was pissed at him he was such a worry wart. Even now his brothers shoulders were stiff and ridged as he pointed to a door. Basement. Dean nodded and Sam went in first. The door creaked only slightly when they slowly descended.

Both were armed with guns and knives both wield the one weapon that would bring this bitch down and she was going down. Sam reached the bottom first and scouted right so Dean took left. Candles filled the room books and jars filled with, well he didn't want to know. He shuddered at the thought of what the witch held. "Dean over here" he looked over at his brother, guard down he was standing in front of the witches alter. A human head sat in the middle inside a pentagram. This was some serious witch craft.

Sam picked up a jar that were filled with, were those. "Are those tongues?"

"Uh ya um that's just nasty." Sam set the jar down. "Ok alters here but crazy witch isn't. Now what. If we break the alter she would know and could take off without us knowing." Dean had the answer. "we wait then. Bitch has to come home some time." Sam looked like he wanted to argue but closed his mouth and just nodded.

Ya he knew it was a messed up plan but hey he was naturally fucked up. Dean was about to hide in the corner when a growl sounded behind them, making the blood inside of him run cold. Before he was fully spun around Dean was thrown against the opposite wall. His head smashed into a crate of he smelled it, ugh he didn't want to know. He looked up as the witch began to slam Sam's head into the table again and again, he looked like he could barely stand a second longer. Dean reached for his gun which had landed close to him thank god and plugged the witch.

She screamed and a knife flew right at him, he dodged it but only barely.

She tossed Sam like the was a rag doll hitting the wall and crumpled to the ground. "Please be ok Sammy" The witch walked towards him with each new step a chill rose in his spin. He raised his gun and shot her until his clip was out. The witch only staggered as each bullet went through her ripping into her chest yet she never wavered from her task.

She looked down at her bleeding chest her long dying hair covered her face as another growl sounded from her. Ever so slowly she looked up at him, her blood red eyes seemed to narrow when their eyes meet. A grin lit her face. "Oh shit" was all he could say.

Her hands raised and Dean watched as Sam's abandon gun rose into the air floating to the witch who laughed, a cold shocking laugh that made Dean want to hide in a hole. "Seriously I'm sorry I broke your heart your just not my type, we can still be friends." She watched him with a curious gaze as the gun coked its self and stood a foot away.

Oh ya Sam was right this had been a really bad idea. He closed his eyes summoning his last remaining strength.

Damn, he was here in a crappy house being killed by a crappy witch and he killed his little brother. Oh ya he was on fire.

The witch screamed causing Deans eyes to fly open, taking in the scene before him. Sam standing behind the witch his face determined as his knife twisted in her chest cracking the bone that it had been stuck in.

The gun infront of Dean dropped returning to being harmless, he sighed and fell back into the broken remains of the crate. The witch was gone. And he hurt like hell.

The witch fell to the ground knife protruding from her back, slowly the stain on her back grew an image of Sam laying in his arms the blood pooling on the back of his jacket sprang to his mind and Dean had to look away.

Sam huffed from relief and irritation. Blood ran down his face from the open cut on his head from where his head make contact with the table, or maybe it was from hitting the wall? Awe so many injures in such a little time, he felt guilty for that.

"Told you this was a bad idea."

Dean rolled his eyes. "Ya ya now help me up bitch." Sam walked towards Dean slowly since with each step his head pounded a little bit harder. Sam took one hell of a head injury but the witch was gone and he was going to bitch out his brother for his recklessness. He walked towards Dean whose head was laying back in the crates, his features pinched from the pain he was in but a smile lit his face, just as he wondered what his brother was happy about he felt a tug on his leg.

Looking down his eyes met red blood thirsty eyes that glowed even without alot of light. Her hand wrapped around his ankle the nails digging into his ankle causing him a brief flinch before she pulled, he went crashing to the ground.

He landed on his side dislocating his shoulder he let out a gasp when the witch crawled onto his chest, she was heaviy for a tiny little chick but he was to preoccioupied with the way she was smiling at him.

"SAM" he could hear Dean but didn't answer. The witch held him down her face was old and slowly rotting away as her eyes dripped blood onto his face. Her hands found his head and she whispered in a langue he didn't understand, with each passing seconds her nails dug into his head a bit harder making him bleed further. He struggled to through her off but his attempts were met with nothing when his mind went black.

Dean saw the witch on top of his brother who fought her. "SAM" but his brother didn't respond and Dean was searching himself for the blade were the hell was it! He spotted it a few feet away and tried to stand but his eyesight spotted dots and he fell back down. _Dammit Sam was down and its your fault work past the pain Dean your brother needs you_! Dean crawled to the knife and his hand closed around its cold hilt he turned back just in time to see his brother go limp. Eyes open wide.

"SAM" he took a deep breath and stood, even though his back protested and his legs limped he managed to make it to witches side, he raised the blade, final defeat soon on the way.

She looked up at him.

Her red eyes seeped blood causing Dean's insides to squirm but what scared him was that the little bitch was smiling at him. "I win" she rasped out. Deans arms fell and he stabbed her again and again, more blood speeped out but this time he didnt look away. Her screams began to die down and soon she went limp falling on top of his brother.

Dean dropped to his knees besides Sam and pushed the ugly bitch off of his little brother. Sam's eyes were open but he didn't move.

"Sam? Sammy?" pain flashed into his little brother eyes and then Sam began to scream.

"SAM" he grabbed his brother and started shaking him. Oh no! what now what did she do to him. He screamed again and then tears poured out of his brothers eyes. "Dean" he whispered and sobbed. "Its ok man its ok I've got you I've got you baby brother" Dean stood up and groaned he pushed past the pain and tried to pull his brother up but Sam was so heavy and he fought Dean. Pushing him away like he was something trying to hurt him.

"No no please!" he cried out trying to fight Dean, trying to fight whoever was there. Dean could only think of one thing this could be.

**Hell**.

The witch broke the wall. His brother was drowning in hell.

"its ok Sammy hey its me its Dean come on man I need you to hang on here. We got to get out of here" Sam sobbed but open his eyes as his hands flew to his head and stared at Dean the pain in his eyes made Dean want to rip his heart out. Sam just nodded and closed his eyes. Dean dragged him up again and this time Sam helped him. Sam clutched his head and whimpered but trudge forward as Dean wrapped his arm around this brothers back leading him back up stairs.

It was a bitch to get him up there. Both wounded and Sam kept slipping on the stairs but they were finally outside. "Its ok Sammy were almost there. Almost there kiddo." Sam whimpered again and Dean opened the passenger door an slide Sam in as he started screaming again. He thrashed around almost slamming his head into the dash board.

"SAM" he tried to calm his brother down but hell was overwhelming and over a 100 years worth of memories were coming at his brother at once. Tears came to Dean eyes as Sam started begging for whoever to stop hurting him. They were still at the house they needed to leave but he couldn't drive with Sammy like this. "sorry Sammy" He pulled his fist back and swung. Catching his brother in the jaw.

Sam's head smacked back he fell back in the seat and was out cold. Dean stared at his little brother. For now the memories were at rest. He looked peaceful but he knew it wouldn't last for long.

Dean slammed the door, panic was beginning to set in soon to follow was fear. He ran around the car and jumped into his baby, soon she was humming to him peacefully promising for better times and then they pealed out of there.

Dean grabbed his phone and called the one person who could help them.

Who had always helped them. "Bobby we have a problem."

**tbc..**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!**


	4. Chapter 4

**warning: cussing on the way. **

**reviews people i need some reviews!**

Dean and Sam had been at Bobby's for a week now and in that week everything had changed.

Hunting didn't mean a damn thing anymore, only Sammy mattered.

At this moment Sam was slumped over at the edge of the panic room, he was curled in on himself rocking himself soundlessly as he was assaulted with memories of hell and Dean was useless to stop it. He stood inside the panic room door waiting for Sam to do something, anything at this rate as long as he would just move, Sam had been there for hours 12 hours to be exact but who was counting? A day ago he had run, he broke past Bobby and knocked Dean down never once pausing, the kid had never ran faster. It took hours but Dean finally found him held up in a broken car holding a piece of glass rocking back and forth and cutting into his arm. He kept murmuring about the acid, how the acid was seeping into his veins, he was just trying to drain it out. Dean was in tears when he finally got Sam back inside he was practically carrying his brother back inside all the while trying to stop the bleeding. Now here they were Sam a blubbering mess bandaged up and here Dean was doing nothing once again.

The first time Dean found out about the panic room he thought it was brilliant truly awesome but he had grown to hate this place. This place only meant suffering and suffering meant Sammy was suffering and that? Was something Dean couldn't handle.

Sighing as his legs cramped in pain he walked into the cold room sitting down on the cot facing his brother. Sam was saying something but Dean couldn't here him his voice was to small, and sounded so broken. Dean ran his hand through his hair and felt like he was 100, hell maybe even older than that. He was old, decaying and he hated himself.

Watching for a while longer as his brother status didn't change once he felt tears stream down his face as his mind whispered again and again _this was his fault_. "Sam. God Sammy I'm so sorry." his voice broke but his brother didn't respond, he rarely did anymore. "This was my fault Sammy. I didn't listen to you about doing more research I just wanted to kill something anything to get Lisa and that guy out of my mind and I didn't think" huh he thought when he said Lisa and the other guy and the image came back he didn't flinch, he didn't get hurt he knew, now he fucking knew that it was for the best but he couldn't see it before and now that it was to late it was all clear that he made the right choice by picking his brother. Her happiness and Deans misery caused Sammy sufferings and he hated himself. "I was selfish Sam. I cant begin to say how sorry I am little brother. I jumped into a hunt with my head up my ass and you paid the price." Dean looked at his hands and watched as his tears fell onto his outstretched hands. He was drowning in Sam's pain.

"I love Lisa and seeing her with that guy just pissed me off you know and I wanted to hurt something anything and you said I couldn't hunt down her date so I needed something else and Bobby gave me that chance." he looked back up at his brother who still hadn't moved.

"I smoked that bitch for you though but not soon enough." he shook his head. "Not soon enough" he wanted to fix his brother Cas had ignored him after his first thousand calls and he was pissed at him, he had lost hope in heaven, God, Angels along time ago but it still didn't stop the small ache that began to form that it wasn't easily fixed, right now Bobby was upstairs looking into spells anything that would help Sammy.

He heard Sam sigh making Dean stare at his brother, waiting for a change. Sam leaned his head back against the wall his eyes opened and seeing everything and nothing at the same time. "Sam?" Sam looked around the room and began humming. "Sammy?" his brother didn't respond as he started humming again he looked right at Dean his eyes swimming with nothing. Empty hazel eyes that held nothing. He continued to hum as if nothing was wrong with the world, as if he was still alive as if he wasnt slowly dying.

And Dean cried.

He couldn't do anything more than that.

"Cas' he choked out. "Cas please please help me!" a wind blew in and blew out and Castiel was there looking down at Dean with pity in his eyes. Dean stared at him, there was no anger there was no hate for the angel he felt empty. He spoke, he said everything, all he felt for the past week all the pain he caused came out in those two words that would forever haunt the angel. "Help Sammy." his voice broke and he couldn't do anything but sob as the angel turned away and checked on Sam.

The angel looked at Dean and the pain in his friends eyes hurt him. He wanted to help but he didn't know if he could fix this. He had warned Dean about this but knew his friend was regretting having Sam's soul put back into his body, saying I warned you would help no one.

Walking over to Sam he slowly kneeled next to him. Sam was humming a song that was familiar to Cas and that alone made him want to wash away his friends pain, _if only he could_ he thought sadly. Sam was humming something Lucifer hummed when he was torturing someone. He said it calmed him and calmed his victims weather it was he who did the torturing or one of his demons working for him either way this melody was sad to hear from his human friend.

Sam's head rolled around and Cas looked into his eyes. The pain in Deans eyes hurt him but Sam's eyes would haunt him forever. The eyes that once held kindness and determination to win for his brothers sake was gone. Just empty eyes seeing nothing but pitch black.

Cas reached out and touched Sam's arm without thought which resulted in Cas being hit in the nose. Pulling back fast Sam had began to scream and began to kick out. "PLEASE! NO STOP!"

"SAM" Cas heard Dean and then in a next second he was standing shoulder to shoulder with his human friend both staring down at the lost soul. Cas looked at Dean and Dean looked at Cas tears running down the hunters face, he had never seen Dean so miserable before and it pained to see that it could almost never be fixed.

"Can you fix him?" before he could answer Sam started to whimper causing Dean to flinch before he looked back at his brother. Dean ran towards Same grabbing him by the shoulders and gently squeezing them rubbing them trying to comfort his long lost brother. "Sam? Hey Sammy you here with me?" Sam whimpered but looked up. Pain filled his eyes as tears ran down his face. "Dean" his voice soft and scratched from all the screaming. The smile that Dean had was forever and only Sam's smile. "Cas go upstairs and tell Bobby he's awake." Cas nodded but Dean didn't see, his eyes were only for Sam.

Cas appeared in the kitchen and Bobby nearly screamed. "Damn it Cas!" he spilled his coffee down his shirt and was fuming grabbing the towel and glaring at the angel. He hated seeing the angel here, damn moron never did anything to help any of them.

"Sam's awake." with that bobby dropped the towel and ran to the fridge pulling out cut up fruit and grabbed the bacon that had been cooking and headed towards the stairs the angel already beating him down there. He entered to see the angel far on the other side of the room and Dean stroking Sam's hair smiling at his brother who smiled back. The pain still evident on his face but it was damn good to see that boy smiling at least.

Bobby came over and set the food down in front of them, he reached over and squeezed his youngest cold hand. Their eyes met and Sam smiled at him, tight lipped but a true smile. "Thanks" he whispered to Bobby.

"anything for my favorite idijit" he said lightly Sam's smile widen and Dean answered faking wounded pride and shock. "Excuse me? Favorite I'm not the one who blew up Bobby's favorite Baseball cap." Dean smiled Sam's eyes widen and Bobby's mouth dropped open.

"What?" the cap in question had been signed by bobby's favorite baseball star and when the boys had been 10 and 14 a fire had started in the room and took some books and his favorite cap the boys said the fire from the candle had gotten out of control and all had been forgiven. Until now.

"You blew up my cap?" he played on the angry because he couldn't be angry even if he tried. His son was sitting in this basement remembering hell and barely staying alive but he knew what Dean was doing. He was playing the normal card and Bobby could go along. Sam however looked horrified and smacked Dean in the shoulder. Sam looked down so he missed the sadness in Deans face when Sam had hit him. Sam could hit, that boy had a mean arm and it looked like it took all his energy to hit Dean and his brother barely felt it._ He was getting weaker,_ he thought sadly.

Sam looked back up, full on puppy dog mode. "It was a project and and Dean said it was ok to do it in the living room and he moved my papers trying to bug me, I added the wrong product and it kinda blew up then papers caught on fire and we couldn't stop it and Dean yelled grab the hat and I did and I hit the fire. Bobby I'm" Bobby held out his hands to silent him.

Then he swatted both of them lightly on the head. "Idjits" he got up and sat on the bed he couldn't contain his grin at all. Sam smiled which in turn brought a smile to Dean just by seeing it.

"Ok" back to business. "Eat up Sammy." Sam reached a shaky hand out and picked the fruit up and ate it quickly. He ate the entire plate and half of another one before he started to fidget. Cas still stood in the corner and Sam began to scratch at his arm fiercely. "what you doing Sammy?"

"Dean there's something in my arm" he kept scratching. "bugs there in my arm." he looked up in panic staring at Dean. Still conscious not lost yet but slowly getting there. Dean grabbed Sam's hands and stroked his head. "its ok Sammy." Sam looked at him tears in his eyes. "I'm crazy" he whispered.

"No your not. CAS!" Dean yelled and looked over at his friend. His eyes pleading.

"I can only build the wall again Dean. I'm not as strong as Death and if I build that wall it will come down harder then this. Right now the wall is cracked. Its slowly leaking out hell and the crack will only widen but if I interfere it wont last long. When it comes down and it will come down Dean it will crush him into nothing." with that the angel vanished and Dean wanted to call him back and kill the angel. But he knew Cas couldn't do anything but it still hurt to be told that it was a lost cause.

Dean looked back at Sam who was staring at where Cas was as if the angel was still there.

And maybe in Sam's mind he still was there.

"Sam" his brother turned towards him and his eyes widen and he ripped his hands away from his brother and pushed himself back into the wall begging it to swallow him. "Please don't. I'll be good please Dean" Sam begged and sobbed and screamed. "DEAN PLEASE! STOP! NOOOO!" Dean cried as he looked at his brother, he glanced at bobby who had silent tears running down his old warn out face as well both terrible troubled by the youngest situation. "please help me. DEAN HELP! HELP ME DEAN!" he screamed some more and then the rest of the night was filled with tears, pain and pleas for help that were never answered.

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	5. Chapter 5

Dean walked into the panic room from a small bathroom break and wanted to cry for the fact he had to return to this place, but he would always return if it meant the sanity of his brother.

Sam was sleeping on the ground, content on the freezing solid ground. Last night he refused to move and every time Dean picked him up he would fight him and just curl back into a ball and slept on. Dean knew when he slept like that his brother wasn't at peace even in sleep but now his brother was laid out, on his stomach hands being used as a pillow. Dean smiled at the sight and just stood there watching how peaceful his brother was, thankful that he was at least resting now.

Dean laid on the cot and stared at his brother. There was so much he wanted to say to his brother but the main thing was how sorry he was, for all that had happened to him. Dean was struggling to stay awake but his brothers soft even breathing lulled him to sleep. So simple so familiar it calmed every nerve he had it was his lullaby.

* * *

"Dean" a whisper, a mere whisper caused Dean to bolt up straight knowing that voice more then his own.

"Sammy" he looked down and saw his brother sitting up holding his knees right next to the cot. His eyes red and puff, dark circles under his eyes but there was no pain in them, however they were ancient and sad eyes. "hey little brother" Dean lowered himself to the ground now eye level with his brother. Sam was pale and shaky but he smiled at him making Dean smile back.

Shaking off the happy moment because all to soon they would be returning to the screaming and the pain. "your hungry let me-" Sam shook his head his eyes pleading him to stay, how could he deny that look? Dean sighed and glanced around the room, it was just ugly in here. "Man I'm tired of this room"

Sam laughed. "Ya me too"

Dean looked at his brother and a thought struck him. "Then lets leave"

Sam looked at him, confusion clouded his eyes. "what. Dean I cant leave here." Sam looked down shame colored his voice. "I'm to weak"

"Your not weak ok! This is just crap having you stay down here you need air. Your looking a little pasty dude its clashing with your beautiful eyes" he smirked causing a small smile from Sam.

"what do you suggest then Dean" Dean sighed running his hand through his hair.

"You remember that cabin, the one that's about a 2 or three day drive from here? With the river and the bedroom that always smells like dirt.?" Sam laughed and nodded. "Ya I remember it"

"Well its out in the middle of no where. Spread rumors that its haunted or something and hang there till you get better." Sam thought it over he really wanted to do it he wanted to leave so badly. Not Bobby's but the panic room he had seen enough of it to last him 12 life times. But he knew what he was like when the memories took over, his brother would be going crazy trying to keep track of him. "Dean we cant. Man I run and if were out there I would run into someone or something or hurt you and I don't want that" Dean nodded in understanding.

"Sam do you want out of here" Sam looked at Dean dark circles were under his eyes, he looked tired and older than he should have been, Sam hated himself being such a burden for his brother. Sam nodded. "then we go"

"Dean"

"No were going. Hell we will go if its only for a short while but we need fresh air man. We need fresh air and you need a shower." Sam grimaced. "think you can handle it" Sam rolled his eyes.

"dude I'm not completely incapable." Dean pulled him up and Sam leaned against him once again grateful for Dean being his big brother. They almost made it to the door when it hit him. The pain, fire seeped into his brain into his veins causing him to scream. Sam grabbed his head it felt like his flesh was melting off. He pushed away from the pain and his body hit the hard cold floor, the cold was just as bad and he tried scrambling away from that as well but he was trapped in everything.

Dean watched as Sam crawled away twitching and whimpering away from any contact.

Dean knelt by him. "Sam?" he touched his brother shoulder, Sam went down immediately curling in on himself. "Please don't" tears fell from his little brothers eyes, fear laced his voice. "please I'll be better I'll be better. Dean I promise. No no" he screamed again and Dean was helpless once again. Sam was breathing heavily but he found the energy to stand on his shaking legs, he began to through himself at the walls.

"Sam" he tried getting to him but Sam was pounding on the walls. "Help! Help me! Dean please help me!" he ran backwards tripping over his big feet, Sam went slamming into the ground. Dean ran over and looked down at his brother, Sam's eyes filled with pain and insanity.

Sam stopped twitching which freaked him out even more, slowly Dean lowered himself still cautions of his brother. "Sammy?" Sam stared at the ceiling and began humming the same annoying tune he had been humming for days. Or weeks he wasn't sure anymore. Nothing made sense anymore.

* * *

"Dean" startled he looked up to find Bobby standing next to him looking concerned and sad. His permit scowl had been replaced with the concerned look.

Dean would be forever grateful to him, when everything was going to hell Bobby was always there, for both of them. In all that they have gone through, everything going wrong Bobby was the only thing that went right. "You need sleep boy and not the on the floor sleep." Dean shook his head looking back at his sleeping brother, Sam had passed out on the floor same place where he went down about 4 hours ago. "I cant leave him Bobby"

"what good are you to him if your dead on your feet" Dean was about to argue with him but he cut him off. "Dean he's sleeping and he will be for a long while now, he hasn't had nightmares because he's to exhausted he wont need you now but when he wakes up, he needs you semi conscious right"

"But"

"No buts Dean get your ass upstairs and to bed I'll stay with Sam." Dean stood knowing it was pretty much pointless to argue with the older hunter but he was still reluctant to leave, trusting in somebody else with Sam's well being was something he never liked doing and only ever did reluctantly.

Glancing back from the door way he met Bobby's eyes they were never cold or hateful towards either of them but they had always been filled with love and concern. Now he saw stern and soft concern at the same time and he smiled, they would always have Bobby. He glanced at Sam and his smile slipped away. "_will he get better?_"

"Course he will" Dean looked up and hadn't realized he had spoken out loud. Bobby watched the confusion on Deans face before he nodded, the boy had dark circles under his eyes and he was pale. Tired as the dead and sick but he still put Sam first, Bobby smiled something's just never changed. Bobby stretched and sat on the bed, and wondered just why not buy an actual bed for done here since it seemed to be another home for the Winchesters. Sighing he faced the youngest Winchester, tears spring in his eyes as he stared at the small figure. No he wasn't small but Sam had lost so much weight, he looked young and helpless nothing like the Sam he had once known.

He lost track of time but soon Sam's eyes snapped open causing Bobby to freeze. He didn't want to scare Sam anymore then he would be but he knew that only Dean could be here for Sam. Slowly the boy exhaled as if he held his breath waiting for the pain that just hadn't come. "Dean?" Bobby instantly wished he hadn't sent Dean away. He should have counted on this, who were the boys to have such good luck and sleep through the night.

"he's upstairs Sam" Sam flinched at the sound of bobby's voice but looked up at the older hunter. He was on the ground, why he was there he wasn't sure how he got there but then again nothing seemed very clear these days. Slightly embarrassed about the circumstance Sam sat up, slowly but by himself at least. He hated being weak, being seen as week it was ok with Dean because it was Dean but he felt ashamed that Bobby had to see him like this. "Don't be, son" Sam glanced up, the older hunter had a smile that made Sam feel safe and welcomed. It was the smile he had on whenever he came over as a kid. "you are the strongest hunter I know, don't you be ashamed of anything." he paused asking awkwardly. "hungry?"

Sam nodded slowly as his stomach roared its head demanding food. Bobby smiled kindly and left gathering simple food but filling food for his boy. Returning he found Sam sitting up against the bed his eyes closed and his breathing even, sleeping he thought until Sam's eyes snapped open when he heard the older hunter return, even sick or weak Sam was still a sharp hunter.

He ate quickly the hunger getting the best of him before he felt tired again. "hey bobby" Bobby stared at this youngest, he was tired and they were lucky enough to get through this without his head being invaded.

"Ya boy?"

"Thanks for everything" he said it in a whisper. "you've been the best for us really you have been I don't know what we would have done without you" his eyes had drifted closed but Sam still spoke, trying desperately to stay awake so he could finish telling bobby, who knew when his next sane moment would occur. "I'm sorry I tired to kill you, I I don't know what I was thinking, or soulless me was thinking"

"he was thinking I was a father like figure, which I'm touched but next time how bout just a card?' Sam laughed and nodded "Ya I'll keep that in mind" Sam sighed as his eyes once again drifted shut.

"I'm sorry Bobby, I'm sorry you have to deal with me always like this I'm sorry"

"Enough"

Sam looked over at him the pain in his eyes broke the older hunters heart. Sam was always feeling guilty for no other reasons than because he could. "Do not be sorry for anything Sam. You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong"

"But"

"No. you have been screwed over and over again and again its not fair and yet here you are strong and alive." Sam rolled his eyes at that one. "I barely can feed myself"

"you will beat this, do you understand you will be ok, and if your not then I'm gonna kick your ass. You hear me boy" Sam smiled at him and his heart warmed at the rare sight of it. Sam's eyes closed again and his head rolled to the side, exhaustion quickly over taking the young hunter.

"I always wanted you to be my Dad you know?" Bobby froze and wondered where all the dust had come from as he rubbed at his eyes. "I mean I loved my dad but you," Sam yawned and stretched out. "you always wanted the best for me and dean. You encouraged me from college to anything I wanted" Sam's voice became a whisper and Bobby had to lean in to hear him. "your always great to me bobby, I couldn't ask for a better Dad" his head fell forward and then Sam was once again sleeping peacefully.

Bobby ran a hand over his face collecting the tears that had fallen. "love you Sam" whispering to the youngest boy who would never know just how much he loved him. He watched over his boy for 5 more hours before he began screaming again, Dean was there in seconds talking to his brother trying to calm him down, but Bobby had to leave. He wanted to be there for them but he had to get away from the pain, from the tears, from the screams.

He sat at his desk drinking, as much as he could within his reach. He remembered something after he was half way through the bottle Bobby looked through his drawers looking for that one picture that he always kept near by, to remind him of the better times.

Finding it he stared at the faces of the two young men down stairs. Dean was 14 and Sam was 10 they were covered in dirt but they had the biggest smiles that he had ever seen on two miserable children. They had come over one weekend when Sam had been learning to play soccer and talked Dean into playing with him, it had began to rain not long afterwards but that didn't stop Sam from playing, he refused to go inside. Bobby remembered Dean standing on the stairs yelling at his brother to come in side that he would get sick. Sam's only reply and forever his reply to Dean was, **_"Make me"_** Dean had smiled and ran after him.

Within in a few minutes Dean was close to catching his brother when Dean slipped into the mud causing a already laughing Sam to double over until he was in tears. Sam tried to help him up but Dean pulled him into the mud as well, then they began tossing mud at each other. By that time it had stopped raining but neither were done with that war. When they finally tried to come in his house he made them hoes off in the back, that's when he took the picture. Both fully clothed Dean was picking Sam up trying to hold him still long enough to get washed off by Bobby but they were laughing to hard, it had been a long time then seeing the boys look like kids but now? It had been years since he had seen either of them even smile like this let alone laugh.

Sam's scream broke through his memory making him return to realty. And the reality was nothing was happy.

Reality was that Dean would forever look after his brother, that Sam would forever be meant to suffer from the horrors of his memories. That neither would have a long laugh about the ridiculous possibility of playing in the mud. When he had said Sam would be alright he had been lying of course, they both knew it but Bobby wasn't sure if this would turn out ok at all, it all seemed to be falling to pieces.

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	6. Chapter 6

**WARNING: CUSSING AHEAD, AND TORTURE SCENES.**

Dean sat in the kitchen taking a small break seeing as Sam was now asleep and drank black coffee or tried to at least he ended up just staring down into the rich black drink. The smell overwhelming him the darkness inviting him in and he wanted to drown in it.

He wanted to die because he hated his life. He hated the way Sam's life was ruined and all for what? The end of the world? Ya we stopped that his Sammy stopped that and then what did he get. A free paid trip to hell and monsters still roamed the world. It was never ending they were never going to be free and the panic room was now Sam's home. He hated it down there. Ya it was the safest place but Sam hated it. Running around was the next best thing he did, bobby had to lock them in lately because there were just some times that even he couldn't control his little brother. Sam kept screaming at the walls, he hyperventilated 4 times already and if those weren't bad enough he would usually scream himself horse. Either way if your last name was Winchester than your life sucked.

Bobby walked in and sat down looking tired but clean for once. " You look all spiffed up. Got a hot date" he wiggled his eyebrows. They felt heavy. He felt heavy.

Bobby rolled his eyes and flipped him off Dean just smirked. "I'm going to town to get some more books for a way to help Sam." they fell silent and Dean brought up something he had put off but after last couple episodes he couldn't wait.

Dean stood up and went towards the counter putting his dishes away before saying anything. "Bobby do you remember that cabin that we use to stay at"

"Ya I remember"

"well" dean cleared his throat and stood by the window. "I'm thinking of taking Sam there and just staying there." Dean fell silent and no one talked for a good 10 minutes. Dean refused to be the one that broke it.

" Why" was all his father said. He looked at Bobby and saw the pain before he pulled the skill of the hunter out and hid his emotions. He turned to look at bobby leaning against the counter and just spoke the truth. "bobby we hate the panic room." he laughed bobby smiled a little. "We hate it Bobby. Sam's remember a cage and then we turn around and leave him in a cage I just want" he sighed he didn't know what he wanted. But change was needed. "I want Sammy to be free. Fresh air and nature surrounding us." He looked at Bobby and hoped he would understand.

Bobby nodded he saw that bobby truly understood. "It wont be safe Dean. He will try and run and you know it. It would be harder on you trying to keep him down and safe." he warned and Dean nodded. He knew Bobby was right and he had already considered that but he needed to get Sam out. Sam was getting pale, losing weight with each knew day he was eating less and less and maybe fresh air could do his brother good.

"I know Bobby but it's a place that's free. Air is offered. It will probably be cold but he's always sweating so it would be a good thing. Maybe if we take ourselves off the map we will be free and we can heal" he looked at Bobby hoping that he would understand and Bobby looked at Dean hoping he understood what he was getting into. When both found what they were looking for they both nodded.

"how you gonna move Sam. Its about a 2 or 3 day trip and we both know that Sam wont make it that long." Dean nodded and looked down at his hands. He knew the answer but hated the thought of drugging his brother. But he knew his brother needed to do this. They both did.

* * *

Dean had told Sam about the drugs and his brother agreed, they planed to leave that day but Sam's memories came back sooner then both thought putting their plans on hold.

A day later Dean sat holding Sam trying to sooth him even if he didn't realize what the fuck was going on. "Its ok Sammy. Your safe here."

_Sam heard his brother through the fire._ 'I've got you Sammy" _Dean? _

_Normally Dean laughed at him and called him weak a monster but he wasn't safe. Was he?_ "Wake up Sam fresh air awaits you princess" _Sam smiled through the pain. The pain that seemed to be lessening. 'oh Sammy' Sam flinched. Now that was the voice he got so use to in hell. Dean's voice that was filled with hate. 'you think you can get off easy don't you' Sam struggled with the burning chains that seared into his body. His chest was open as Dean played doctor and removed his organs. 'Dean please'_

"Its ok Sammy. Your safe here. Your not in the cage anymore" _he wasn't? then were the fuck was he. The knife sliced in his leg and he screamed yup still in the cage. ' you ruined my life Sam. You killed mom which led us to hunting and you became dads favorite because you were so weak' Dean came into focus the hate that was in his eyes hurt him more than the physical pain he was in. _

_'no please. I didn't' _

_'YES YOU DID' Dean grabbed his chin forcing him to look at his hate filled brother, at the knife that was dangling in front of Sam's eyes. 'you killed her and then I had to protect your sorry ass and I tried I did but you always were meant to be a monster.' Sam flinched and unwanted tears came to his eyes. _

_He could handle a lot of pain but he couldn't handle this. 'not a monster' 'yes yes you are little brother. You're a disgusting monster and I hate looking at you' the dagger plunged into Sam's left eye. He screamed at the sharp pain in his eye, blood fell down his face and he still screamed._ "Your ok Sammy. Shh big brothers here I got you your safe." _and Sam wanted to believe that._ "Come back to me bro" _against his better judgment believed the voice and followed it_.

Sam eyes flew open first thing he noticed was the pain was gone and that both eyes were in tact.

He looked around the room. Where was he? Panic room?

It all came rushing back to him. The wall the witch Dean. He was out of the cage he was safe. Sam tried sitting up but was hit with exhaustion and fell back against something hard yet soft. He looked up, there was Dean.

His Dean.

There was no hate or anger in his face. Just concern and love. Sam smiled at him and his brother responded with his own smile. "Nice of you to join us sleeping beauty" Sam rolled his eyes and struggled to sit up. Dean gently pushing him into a sitting position before shuffling in front of him holding food. Sam was starving and slowly started eating. He wanted to pick up the plate of food and down it but he was shaky he could barely even lift his arms. He felt miserable but at least he was safe.

Looking up at Dean who had been staring at him almost looking like he was waiting for something to happen. "Dude I'm fine" was all he said around his food. Dean glared at him but said nothing. "Do you remember what we talked about. About the cabin" Sam thought about it he couldn't focus but he sort of remembered that conversation. Sam nodded but he knew they couldn't do it. Or he couldn't do it.

He looked at Dean and his brother looked old, sad and extremely tired. "You look terrible Dean" Dean smiled.

"I'm beautiful but I look better than you" Sam nodded and looked down maybe Dean could get away for a while. "Maybe you should just go"

"What" the pain in his voice was so evident Sam looked up and saw the pain in his big brothers eyes at his suggestion. Sam shook his head which was a bad move as his head began to pound. "No not like that but maybe you should go to the cabin. Just you." Dean realized what he was trying to say Dean shook his head glaring at Sam. "No we either both go or we both stay that's how it is. You and me" he slapped Sam's arm with a smile. " were a package deal my brother. Shaggy and Scooby." Dean paused. "your Shaggy" Sam laughed as he started drinking his water.

The cool water soothed his torn up throat but it also irritated some cuts. He started coughing the metalic taste filled his mouth and he gagged. "Sam" Dean slapped his back trying to help him breath he swayed to the side and spit up the blood that concealed his throat. He kept spitting more blood coming up each time he tried swallowing but it hurt, and it hurt bad. Dean's patting hand became one that started making circles on his back. Soothing circles like his brother would do when he was younger and sick.

Sam breathed through the pain and began swallowing the blood that began to lessen with each cough. He sat up again and looked at Dean. A tear had escaped his brothers eye and Sam looked down pretending he didn't see while dragging his weak arm across his chin collecting the extra blood that dripped down.

Dean stared at his shaking brother. The coughed up blood pool was overwhelming and he made his decision . He pulled out the pills. Strong pills that would knock his baby brother out. Normal dosage for a healthy sleep take 2 so Dean dumped in 5. His brother needed time and rest. He didn't care what Sam would say about this his brother needed air and a new scenery.

He gave the small cup to Sam after the small pills had disappeared. "here you go man" Sam smiled at him and drank wincing at the pain that followed. They sat in silence till Sam began to feel funny. Not the pain and fire sensation he was use to but drowsy and dizzy. He looked at Dean who had nothing in his face. Then it hit Sam. He feel backwards the world coming with him. "Easy tiger I got you." Dean held him and reassured him.

"you." his voice was a whisper and sluggish. "Drugd mh" he tired keeping his eyes open. And looked at Dean feeling betrayed. "yy?' but he never got the answer. His world came down on him blacking his vision.

Dean saw Sam's eyes he looked like he betrayed him and guilt crawled over him. He didn't have time for that though. He was now on a mission setting his brother down and ran for their room.

"Dean' he flew by Bobby and skidded to his room throwing their duffels on the bed he pulled out the clean clothes and set to work. Bobby stood behind the hunter and didn't say a word. He knew that this was a dumb plan but one look at Deans frantic face and he knew that both boys needed the freedom.

Bobby sighed heading back down stairs to make both of them lunches for the road. With Sam's condition they couldn't exactly go into a diner.

He didn't want his boys to leave he felt like if they left he was losing them forever. He knew it wasn't true but in their time of need he was useless he wanted them to feel like it was safe here that they were all family and he knew that they understood him. How much he wanted to be a good father for them and be there for them but those boys only believed in each other. And that made him feel so proud of them.

He finished about 10 ham and cheese sandwich when he heard Dean. "Bobby. I could use some help down here" Bobby frowned he didn't see Dean go down but he went down to the panic room that he had grown to hate as well. Every time he was in here it meant that something else in the youngest life had gone wrong.

He walked in and saw Dean holding up Sam's shoulders and chest. But a sleeping Sam was like moving a ton pound loaded truck. Bobby smiled as Dean struggled. "Maybe you should have walked Sam to the car before you drugged him"

Dean stopped and glared at Bobby. "I didn't think that far a head."

"Clearly" he smiled.

Dean glared. "Would you get your wrinkly ass over here and help me out"

"course boy" he picked up the two bags and tossing them over his shoulders. "I got these you get him" he smiled again and Dean glared even more. "Gee thanks Bobby" he turned and left. "Your welcome"

10 minutes later Dean arrived outside with an unconscious Sam flung across his shoulder only a little sweat could be seen on the oldest brother and Bobby smirked. He opened the back seat. "Your chariot awaits" Dean grunted and made it to the car. He dumped Sam but was gentle about it. He panted slightly looking tired and sad. "He's lighter than the last time I had to carry his sorry ass in to your panic room" he looked down and closed the door.

Bobby sighed. He grabbed "Dean " he pulled the boy into a hug. "your doing a great thing for your brother. I'm proud of you, you idjit." Dean laughed into his shoulder. They broke apart and he headed to the drivers door.

"uh here I wrote something for Sam since I didn't get a proper goodbye thanks to you." he gave the letter to Dean you smirked. "How cute a love note." then Bobby picked up the bag full of food. "And lunch"

Dean laughed. "Gee thanks pa I promise to be good and not harass the teachers" Bobby swatted at his head and Dean ducked laughing as he got in the car. "any trouble "

" and then we come straight back" bobby nodded. The car purred as it started the loud engine soothed the driver back into a comfortable rhythm. "Bobby thanks. For everything" Bobby nodded not being good with feelings and stuff while Dean drove away towards something better he hoped. His last two family members drove away, he got an uneasy feeling about this.

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	7. Chapter 7

**WARNING: CUSSING ON THE WAY AND TORTURE SCENES**

It took a total of 3 days to make it to the cabin.

Sam woke up twice screaming thrashing around in the back he tried calming him down but Sam had kicked out running for it. He nearly was hit by 3 cars in the process of escaping. The bright lights only freaked his brother out even more making him run for the open wasted field that held only junk. Dean found his little brother digging into his arm with an old bear bottle digging out the bugs that were in his arms that were eating at his veins.

Two hours later Dean was able to drug his brother again, drag him to the car and run from the cops that had been called. All in all it had been a good well spent trip.

Now they were safe well safe as they could be. The place had been old, dusty and wet but Dean was able to fix it up every time Sam finally found peace in the form of sleep. He called Bobby to let him know they were safe and then invaded his trunk.

Food would be a problem was his first thoughts. Hunting, normal hunting, wasn't an option with his brother in this sate but his worries were put away when he found his trunk over loaded with can foods. There was bread, cheeses and meats that would go bad after a while but it didn't matter tears came to his eyes at what Bobby had done for them. He would never be able to express how grateful he was for having Bobby in their lives he had no idea how they could have survived without him. Nope he thought they wouldn't have survived without him.

He loaded up and was putting things away when he heard a groan from the couch. Dropping the box of cans Dean ran for his brother who was struggling to sit up. "Sam hey you with me?" he never knew if his brother would wake up knowing his surrounding or see hell fire but for now his brother seemed to be sane.

"Dean?" Sam looked around. He was really confused right now.

Images of hell blurred through his mind bringing pain that he didn't want so he pushed them back as new ones that threaten to drowned him if he thought for to long. Last normal thing he remembered was the panic room but this wasn't the panic room. Steel didn't surround them. There was no salt smelling thing here it was different. Wooden ceilings and wooden floor was what his eyes met his senses kicked in and he smelt fresh air, wood, and dirt. "Sammy" looking around he finally met Deans worried gaze.

He thought about trying to smile for his brother he wanted to calm mother hen but his mind was sluggish part of him didn't understand what was going on or remember how to smile. "Where are we" calm mother hen later get answers now while he was still sane.

"the cabin don't you remember we talked about going. Ya I drugged you to get you here but we agreed to go."

"what you" he tried thinking and he flinched when pain sliced through him.

"SAM" confused eyes met panicked eyes. "calm down ok don't think about it. Ok just trust me. Were in our old cabin and were safe. Were safe here. Trust me." Sam struggled to obey struggled to breath but finally calmed down enough to do so. He had no idea what Dean was talking about he wanted to remember but trusted his big brother. But why couldn't he remember. Still seeing panic on his brother Sam smiled trying to calm the both of them.

Dean relaxed a little but not enough. "You hungry" Sam didn't trust his voice from shaking so he nodded instead. "Good. don't worry Sammy I'm gonna fatten you up and kill that healthy style of yours in no time" Sam had to smile at that. Dean never liked his healthy eating and even when Sam was about to go crazy his brother couldn't resist trying to feed him a grease burger. He knew Dean wouldn't but he had no doubt it hadn't crossed his big brothers mind.

Dean came back with a meat sandwich that made his mouth water he was starving. Dean sat down next with him with beer and a water bottle. Sam reached for the water he was weak but he was so hungry. Draining the water he began to devour the meaty sandwich. His throat was sore but it felt so good to eat.

Dean was up and in the kitchen before he could process it making another sandwich. He didn't realize he had finished it before he craved more but Dean knew he wanted more, Dean always knew what he wanted before Sam even did. "Don't worry fatty its coming" Dean was smiling finally glad his brother was eating.

Sam could only smile. Only Dean would be happy as a clam that he was eating.

Sam looked around taking in the surrounding. This was their cabin. There was so many good things about this place that he remember. But some memories were tainted with blood and blurry. One memory, a happy memory played out before his eyes as he saw a repaired window.

It had been snowing badly outside and Sam had wanted to play baseball, it had devastated him that they couldn't. it was a blizzard and if out there long enough they could freeze or that's what their dad said would happen. Dean saw how badly he wanted to play so he got the baseball, gave Sam the bat and they played in doors. It had been awesome till Sam's swing had the baseball flinging out the back window.

They had sat there staring both worrying about what dad would say when Dean started laughing. He couldn't stop and soon Sam doubled over from laughing. Not sure what was so funny but he couldn't stop laughing.

Dean sat down and ruffed his hair. _"Not a bad hit Sammy. Maybe you have a career in baseball."_ Sam smiled happy that Dean thought so. "_and now were gonna see how you do in construction" _

_"What" _

_"Yup you heard me you broke the window now you fix it_" he had not been happy and refused at first but the cold air leaked through had them both racing to cover it. They patched it as best they could with duct tape. Then they huddled by the fire laughing and joking about...

About what?

Sam thought hard but the memory was blurry. The end of it seemed missing. Why couldn't he remember. "Sammy?" an outside voice called for him but he was to lost to register who. What the hell did they talk about. He knew it was funny stuff he remember it brought them closer together but he couldn't remember. Damn it why couldn't he fucking remember.

"SAM" he dragged himself away from the fading memory and found himself staring at Dean. The concerned mother hen the big brother. Why did he call him mother hen? When did he come up with it? He was frustrated now trying to find the origin of it. "Sammy. Come back to me man" he looked at Dean not realizing that he had been crying.

"Dean?" Dean smiled concerned was in his eyes but the smile was real. Sam wanted to smile back he really did but he couldn't. "cant.. Dean I cant remember it" he looked at his big brother whose smile faded and they just stared. "remember what Sammy?" he had to know. Was that it then? Hell came back and other memories sort of stopped existing? He wanted to cry but didn't.

Sam shook his head looking away. "Did I get another sandwich?" he knew that his brother didn't want to answer and he respected that. He handed the sandwich to Sam and his brother ate soundlessly.

"here" he grabbed bobby's letter before he forgot. "bobby wrote you a cute little love note. Bet you five bucks there's a kiss mark inside too." Sam smiled and he saw dimples that made his life worth living.

Giving his brother some time he went to the kitchen finishing putting things away trying to make it more bearable to live. "Bobby's a good guy" turning he saw Sam walking towards the kitchen. Stumbling mostly. "Hey hey" he ran towards his brother who waved him off.

"I can walk I'm a big boy dude" he stumbled even more but he finally got to the chairs and sat down. He was breathing a bit heavy but obviously proud of himself that he made it this far without help.

"what did grandfather time have to say" Sam just shrugged it off but a smile lit his face.

"So cabin? Why here" Dean wanted to cry his brother didn't remember. He cleared his throat.

" its safe place free of people and we needed air. The panic room view was getting a bit old." Sam nodded agreeing whole heartily. He looked at the kitchen counter. The fruit was there meat and beer bottles it was a normal counter top. So why was it bleeding?

Dean picked a tomato up and began to cut into it. The knife was big and he wield it like a pro. Each cut a thin line of blood ran out. Leaking off the cutting board. The blood raced across the counter seeming to be attracted to him. "Sam" he wanted to answer the big brother that meant so much to him. But the blood was coming closer.

The knife raised and was pointed at him. "Sammy?" he looked up. _'oh Sammy your nothing but a waste of space' _

_Dean smiled the cold smile and tossed the knife at him. __It buried deep into his chest cutting off any reply that wasn't a scream. Fire consumed him the shackles in place he screamed while Dean approached him like he did when approaching his prey, a monster. '_

_Sammy you mean nothing' his brother kneeled next to him pulling out the knife and stroked his hair. 'you mean nothing to me' the knife was once again buried deep into his chest pain increased when the dagger was twisted deeper. 'monster Sam that's what you are. A monster' _

"NNOO" Sam screamed kicked and struggled against the invisible chains that held him in place. "Sammy. Sammy its not real your not there. Its ok little brother your safe." tears fell from his brother as he shook his head and screamed again.

"please" begging came after the screaming. "please Dean please don't. please I'm sorry Dean I wont" he was cut off by another scream that sent Deans blood cold. "Sam" he was free of the chains and his brother ran. Blind to it all but he found a corner and seemed to make peace with it he curled down and hunkered down as if waiting for something but not wanting to see it coming.

He began whimpering, hissing and muttering Dean looked away he couldn't take that site in on a normal day this was breaking him down. He staid were he was and glanced out the window.

He was so lost. He didn't know what to do.

Sam had always known what to do he was the brains of the family though he never told Sam that and at this rate he never would be able to. His brother made him open up about hell and Dean felt better talking, guilty that he had but Sam only pushed him the right way.

Sam had always had the way. He knew what to do specially with this hunt. This hunt had cost them dearly.

Dean sighed wiping away the fallen tears and walked away from the window that over looked everything but held nothing for Dean. There were trees and being out in the middle of no where once was beautiful but not now. How could it be.

He walked to his dads old chair sitting directly across his brothers shivering form, the chair creaked when sat in and was barely being held together. It was in many ways like Dean. Old and creaky and barely being held together as he stared at his baby brother who sat huddled in the corner.

He couldn't believe it when the wall broke ya it wasn't Deaths fault totally but fuck the wall held for 3 months. Only 3 fucking months. Death was a dick Dean had expected a stronger wall. The witch wasn't even that powerful, or maybe she was but Dean had gone in there blind not realizing anything.

if Dean could take Death he would go after him right now. Dean didn't care if he lived or died, he would mainly die but damn it his brother needed him now. And it was Deans fault. He pushed to work the case he wanted to keep himself busy ever since he ran into Lisa with a new guy and he was to broken to start picking up the pieces. Sam wanted to talk but he couldn't have talked he just needed to hunt.

Now here they were in an old shitty ass place that once use to mean so much to both of them. Dean old and weary and Sam insane. The life of being a Winchester.

**WHOEVER IS STILL READING THIS SHOULD LEAVE REVIES! REVIEWS MAKE ME WRITE FASTER.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Warning: well nothing really but after reading this reviews would be awesome**

Sam rocked back and forth once again. The screaming stopped and the fight went out of Sam it was hard to watch as his brother just collapsed. He preferred the running away then this at least then he was up and doing something even if he thought he was being chased even if he thought he could try and escaped. If that was the perk in his life then life just sucked for the Winchesters doesn't it.

Dean slide next to his brother with a plate of food, they had been there for weeks now and his brother hadn't eaten in days. "Sammy come on you haven't eaten all day. Just one bite please." Thank god for those lucid moments. Other wise Sam would have starved by now.

Sam took a shaky breath and looked up at Dean. Tears filled his eyes there were tear streaks down his face but the insanity and confusion from his eyes were gone. His Sam was present. Dean smiled at him. "Hey little brother. Here eat up. You need your strength before." he couldn't finish they both knew what he meant though. Before he was lost to the memories of hell again.

"Dean." Sam's voice was quiet and rasped. He had been screaming for hours before hand Dean was surprised that he even could speak.

'Ya Sammy" he looked at his brother and more tears fell. Dean wanted to weep his brother was suffering so much. All because he was selfish and didn't think.

"I cant live like this Dean. Neither can you. We cant keep doing this" Sam smiled a sad smile as he stared at his brother. Dean was afraid of what he would say next.

"what do you mean Sammy" Sam reached towards the gun that Dean had set on the little table earlier that week and he grasped it but he was to weak to hold it up, it fell from his hand clattering to the ground. Grabbing the gun Dean held it in front of Sam looking at his brother who nodded. Tears fell from Deans eyes. "I cant Sammy. I just cant" his brother was suffering and just like Madison he was asking Dean to end his suffering to help him. But Sammy wasn't a monster. He wasn't hurting anybody. He was just hurting. Dean had been hoping that he would get better that the lucid moments last longer but they became shorter and far in between. Sam was losing the fight. Dean was losing his brother.

"Please Dean I…I would do it myself but I cant raise the gun." he chuckled. Dean looked up at the ceiling trying to push down the pain he felt. "Don't talk like that Sam. Your going to be fine." he breathed and looked at his little brother smiling. He ruffled Sam's hair. "Have I ever lied to before."

Sam smiled weakly. "yes you have." Dean smiled even more. "Dean" Sam's smiled faded and he was back to being serious. Always so serious. "I'm not getting better"

"Yes you are man! Come on we'll just call Cas again"

"Dean no." Sam looked at his brother. His eyes glistening. "You called Cas and he couldn't fix me. The wall would just break again and we would end up back here maybe even worse off the second time." Sam flinched. Dean grabbed his hand holding it tight. Lucid moment almost over.

"I will save you Sammy." his little brother looked at him. Tears in his eyes, his face was pale and sad but a smile lit his features, a small sad smile.

"Not this time De" reverting back to his child hood nickname for Dean. Dean smiled at the name and grabbed Sam's shoulder.

"It will be ok." Sam started fidgeting.

"De" then his brother screamed. Sammy was back in his mind being ripped apart, dying and Dean could only look at him tears falling freely now. "Its ok Sammy. Your safe here. "

"Please no stop Dean no AAAHHHH!" Dean held his hand trying to soothe his brother as he tried to calm down. "Your safe your safe little brother."

"NNNOOOO" Sam ripped his hand away and started scratching at the wooden wall trying to dig his way out. "Sam stop" He reached out but Sam pushed him back and kept scratching. Almost like he was trying to dig his way out of his mind out of hell and all Dean did was sit back watch his brother and he wept. His brother wasn't living he was only slowly dying.

10 minutes crawled by and by then blood covered his hands. "Sam stop" he grabbed his brother hands and held them to his chest. Once again Sam began rocking back and forth humming a tune Dean had never heard before and never wanted to hear again.

Dean sat with him for hours and hours never leaving his brothers side until his brothers body was to exhausted to stay awake. He fell against the wall dark circles under his eyes his breathing turned regular and evened out. Dean sighed and slowly stood up as his knees popped and his back weakly protested the new position, he was sore from crouching so long.

Looking down at his brother he couldn't help but wonder how his brother was still alive. He had lost so much weight these past few weeks since the wall broke. His brother barely rested and it was barely him anymore. He looked like Sam and felt like Sam but he was losing his brother. Slowly but surely losing him to the grips of hell as he idly stood by watching the destruction of the person he loved most in the world, it didn't seem fair.

Dean walked away afraid to move him just yet he would wait an hour and then move him but now he had to call Bobby. It had been a couple days since he checked in, the older hunter was so worried about Sam that Dean couldn't tell him the truth. He started lying he had a feeling Bobby knew that he was but refused to call him on it.

He reached his cell and called the old hunter to let him no the progress of Sam or the progress he was bout to make up. "Dean how's our boy?" Dean sighed looking at his brother. Blood coated his hands Sam was so pale and to thin, Dean couldn't breath. "Dean?" Bobby's voice rang out from the phone he had forgotten.

He choked on a sob. "I don't know what to do Bobby" he couldn't control the tears and breathing became harder. The truth came spilling out of the hunters mouth. He was to tired to try and lie to pretend anymore "he's he's…I'm…I'm losing him Bobby" He coughed trying to clear the tears away but they had a mind of there own. "He's getting worse. His lucid moments are shorter and now he's he's" he couldn't say it. He didn't even want to think about it.

"He's what boy?" Bobby's voice was sharp but gently.

"He wants me to kill him." it came out in a whisper and hoped Bobby heard it because he couldn't say it again. Nothing. Bobby didn't respond and Dean just stared at Sam. Wishing to go back in time and save his brother from Deans stupidity. "Dean I want you to listen to me." Dean nodded. "Answer me boy"

"Ya bobby I'm listening"

"I'm coming over and taking care of you boys for good."

Dean shook his head. "Bobby" he couldn't allow the hunter to give up his life for them. It was one thing for Dean to sacrifice himself for his brother but he couldn't allow Bobby to.

"No. I'm coming up there now just relax and don't do anything stupid ya idijit." that brought a smile to Deans face. "ok thanks Bobby."

"I'll be up there in a day or two. Will you be alright?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Of course. I'm not totally incapable old man"

Bobby chuckled. "Could of fooled me." call ended.

Dean smiled and looked out the window. God this place was full of good memories for them. When ever Dad was in town he would drop them off and they were free for a couple of days. He liked it here but Sammy he loved it here. It brought him freedom and peace, most of the time the geek brought his damn homework along for their "vacation". Dean smiled as he saw a young Sam sitting at the table reading a book with a slight smile on his face. He was always happy in his books. Dean looked back to the real Sam and wished for that innocence, wished for that sense of peace and happiness he could get in a book again but it would never come. His brother had lost so much all he had was Dean and his mind, but now he was losing one of them.

Dean walked into the kitchen and made himself a small sandwich. And ate while watching Sam.

He tried putting an iv in his brother a week ago but Sam freaked when his memories took over he ripped it out and ran for it. Later Dean had to dig out the needle to be safe from further harm.

Sighing Dean tossed the rest of his sandwich, these days he wasn't ever that hungry anymore. Dean felt old and grimy, it had been days since he took a shower. Glancing at his brother Dean decided to take a quick shower, hopefully he would feel just a bit better. Shower done Dean sat on the couch, he didn't feel better but at least he couldn't smell himself. Exhausted took him under before a second thought about Sam and he fell into a deep dreamless state.

* * *

He woke up shivering and immediately looked over to where Sam would be.

Or should be.

Sam was gone.

"SAM" he screamed and raced towards the open door looking around. It had been lightly raining the night before and the ground glistened the dark clouds covered the sun that should have been shining. He forgot to lock the door Dammit! "SAMMY" he screamed and ran down the hill looking around calling for his little brother. Not again "Damn it!" he went to the place sometimes Sam went when he was little and he needed to get away a small rocky area near the river.

He ran fear pumped through his veins hoping his little brother was safe.

He broke through the trees and saw nothing. Nothing!

Walking further towards the edge he could see a hand on the ground sticking out of the river. "SAM!" he ran over and the closer he came the more his heart wanted to die. Sam was, besides his hand, fully submerged in the river. Face down no shirt on his light sweat pants were dark and he was pale as death. Dean made it to the water he ran into the river the cold water splashed in his boots onto his pant leg he flinched at the feeling.

Dean plunged his hands and grabbed the still form of his brother grunting as he dragged him to shore. "SAMMY" he called to him turning him over. There were cuts on Sam's chest like he had tried digging something out or something else either way he didn't want to think about it.

He grabbed Sam's wrist looking for a pulse. Please let there be a pulse please oh please. YES! A pulse faint but there. "Sammy come on man wake up dude. Your freaking your big brother out here" he smile softly and gently cupped Sam's face. His lips blue his skin bluish but Dean couldn't move him by himself even if Sam was only half conscious that would be good enough for him.

"Sam' he slapped Sam, Sam groaned his hands weakly moved to his chest as his head turned to the side and coughed up some water. Soon he began to shiver. Good sign.

"Deeeaan" he voice was so quiet he barely heard him. "Ya Sammy its me come on man lets get you warm." He pulled Sam into a sitting position and took off his button up shirt. He hadn't thought about grabbing a jacket so it wasn't much but it dried his baby brother off. But didn't save him from the cold. He tossed it on the ground as Sam's teeth began to shatter.

"Up you go" he hauled Sam up groaning at the weight but Sam started walking slowly but surely he started moving.

"Deaaann"

"Ya Sammy?"

"Heee'sss cccoooominnnng."

**is someone really coming or is it just Sams mind? hmm lets find out. leave reviews please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**WARNING: you might need tissues.**

"sit down Sam" he gently pushed Sam onto the couch and grabbed blanket after blanket wrapping them around his little brother. Trying desperately to warm him up.

"Sssorry" he murmured.

"Its ok just lay down and keep warm it wasn't your fault." Sam didn't lay down he just sat there staring down at his lap. Dean shivered and grabbed himself his own jacket. Need to build a fire. "Deeean" he ignored his brother. Other wise were both going to freeze to death. "DDean" he turned as Sam's voice grew stronger and stared at his brother.

Tears fell from his eyes as he stared at his brother. "I cant do this anymore Dean. I I I barely remember what it was like growing up. Its there but I cant reach it. I want to remember but I cant. I don't want to do this anymore Dean. I cant." Sam's hand slowly pushed its way out of the blankets that surrounded him and reached for the gun that sat on the couch. Dean froze. He wouldn't.

Sam clicked the safety back with trembling fingers and looked at Dean with resignation in his eyes. "I'm sorry" he put the gun under his jaw as his eyes fluttered closed.

Dean ran at his brother. "SAM NO" he grabbed the gun before he could pull the trigger yanking the gun away from him.

His heart beat widely as he broke down. Dean dropped to his knees sobbing. "Damn it Sam don't do that to me. Please you cant leave me. Not like this. Not this way. I'm sorry Sammy I'm so sorry" he put his head in his hands as the tears flowed unable to control them unable to control himself any longer. He always put on a mask for Sam so his kid brother could see him as strong, as powerful and most of all not weak but it all came crumbling down around him. Leaving him exposed for his brothers eyes to take in what a true weakling Dean really was.

He felt his brothers hand, cold yet warm on his and he looked up to see the smiling face of Sam. "It wasn't your fault De. It was only a matter of time till it broke. I don't want you to see either" he laughed and looked down. Sam's hand still rested on Deans. "Madison asked me to do it I think and it killed me. It was unfair of me to ask you. So please" he looked at his little brother. "just go outside or something."

"Sam"

"Don't make me live with this Dean. I cant" his voice broke and he looked at his little brother and wanted to die. He couldn't do this himself but he couldn't let Sammy do it either. Dean held the gun and looked at his brother. Tears fell down his face as he hugged his little brother holding him tightly. "I love you Sammy. Forever little brother. God I am so sorry." he held him even tighter.

"Its not your fault Dean. I love you too. Please forgive me big brother."

Dean raised the gun and placed it under Sam's jaw.

Sam relaxed into his big brother as a sense of peace and saftey coursed through him. Everything was going to be ok because Dean was here.

Dean closed his eyes and breathed.

"I'm sorry" and then he pulled the trigger.

* * *

He heard the bullet rip through his brothers head, heard the sickening blood splatter on the ceiling and most importantly he felt his brother drop in his arms. Sam's hands that clutched his back released and all the weight fell into his arms. He crumpled into his older brother and was no more.

Dean dropped the gun like it burned him and he grabbed his brothers back and began rocking him. The sobbing rocked through his body kicking his ass but none of that mattered. All that mattered was his baby brother was dead in his arms by his own hand.

"I'm so sorry Sammy. So sorry" he rocked him until he couldn't bare to hold his precious brother any longer.

He gently lifted Sam's shoulders, avoiding looking at his brother he laid him down. He pulled the blankets tighter around his brothers still form and stared. Most of the damage was the back of his head but when he set him onto the pillow he looked so young so peaceful and so dead. Dean sobbed and stroked his baby brothers face. "I'm so sorry." he backed away picking up the hated weapon, a bottle of open whiskey and walked to Sam's favorite corner back pressed against the wall he slide down taking a long drink. Back pinned eyes trained on his brother sleeping figure. Sleeping?

Ha he wished. No his little brother was gone forever.

* * *

Bobby pulled up to the old cabin he and john found many years ago. It had been destroyed when they found it, Bobby thought it was a piece of junk but John saw something beautiful in it and so for a couple of weeks they fixed this house up as the boys camped right outside loving the freedom of the motels and just enjoying nature.

Specially Dean. He would spend hours sitting by the river, climbing trees, running and taunting Sam who enjoyed just sitting on a rock reading his books smelling the fresh air he never wanted to run or climb the trees he was perfectly happy sitting on his rock. His boys were at peace here and that's why Dean picked this place to keep his brother at, to keep him safe. The panic room was safer but this was safe with freedom.

Dean had sounded worse over the phone than the last times they had talked. He knew Sam was getting worse with each passing day. Bobby sighed as he looked up at the house. Dean was barely holding on and Sam was losing touch with reality. These boys had done so much for people and what do they get out of it? Insanity, losing family, or nothing. Seriously they had the worse luck.

Bobby grabbed his bag and headed up the stairs the door was slightly opened and that gave him pause. He pulled back and set the bags down pulling out his gun. Dean wouldn't leave the door open for any reason it was freezing here. "Dean" no answer.

He slowly pushed open the door and walked into the freezing room. He shivered it was colder in here than out there by a lot. Bobby slowly made his way to the kitchen ,empty. He turned around and spotted Sam. Sleeping on the couch looking deathly pale.

"Dean" he wouldn't leave Sam alone like this. Unless something real bad happened. Bobby still held the gun but lowered it slightly walking towards Sam. The boy looked to pale for his own good. He was feet away from Sam now. "Sam?"

he reached out for his boy. "Don't touch him" the voice was so low and yet deadly sending a shiver down bobby's spin. He turned and saw the oldest Winchester sitting in the corner. Booze in hand, empty, his gun hanging loosely from his grip as he just stared at Sam.

"Dean? what's wrong with your brother." fear engulfed Bobby as he looked down at Sam. It was getting dark in the room so he flipped a switch and light took over the room. He wished he had left it dark. Sam was pale and there was a blue tint to his lips now but what broke his heart was how the pillow was covered in blood. "dean what" Tears fell down his old face as he stared at his youngest. Sam was 28. He had known the boy for 26 years and it hadn't been long enough. He wasn't old enough to die! He hadn't even had a life yet. "Sam" he whispered wanting to reach out and touch his sons face to comfort the boy who no longer was here but he was afraid. Either of Dean shooting him or the feel of his cold skin he didn't know.

"You know the first time we met you" Deans voice seemed loud in the quiet room. Bobby looked at his oldest who only had eyes for his brother. "I was 7 and Sam was 3. Dad he refused to really expose us to anyone but for some reason you were ok. He said trust Bobby he has you for the weekend. Dropped us off and took off before we even got to your front door." Dean smiled at the memory. Bobby glanced at Sam before he walked over to Dean.

He was pale and drunk. Eyes red and puffy. As he stared at his little brother tears slowly leaked out of his eyes recalling the memory.

"We walked in and Sammy wouldn't leave my side. He only trusted me. " Deans voice was ruff but full of love when he talked about his brother. "you showed us to our room and you left us so we could get comfortable. We never did. We left everything packed and that night Sammy cried and I held him telling him it would ok that Dad would be back we would be on the road again that he was safe as long as I was around." tears continued down his face staining his beatened down face. "He looked at me with such trust and I…I knew then that he was the most important person in my life no one would ever compare." he choked on a sob but continued.

"You let us have ice cream for breakfast and after that Sam loved you." he laughed. Bobby smiled. "He thought you were Santa just with ice cream. But me? I didn't trust you. I never let you be alone with Sammy. But one night Sam sat on my lap and looked at me. His eyes so full of wonder and reassurance even at such a young age he knew what was going on. He said I know you cry De. You miss daddy too." Dean choked on his tears but continued. "I said ya I do miss him. He said bobby is a good guy he is our Santa."

Bobby smiled as tears began to pour out of the old hunters eyes. "He said and he is not dad but he could be our second daddy." Bobby sobbed at that part and glanced over at the still form of Sam. He remembered that three year old who was giddy for life and had looked up to Dean as if he were God himself. His brother could do no wrong for he was Dean.

Dean continued. "He clutched at my shirt and said don't be sad De dad may leave but I wont ever leave you big brother. Me and you De forever brothers." he just looked at Sam while the tears fell from both older men as they both stared at Sammy. Peaceful in death.

"He was losing it Bobby. I found him down by the river he started saying he was coming." Dean took a deep breath. " I took him home trying to warm everything up he tried to shoot him self but" Bobby gulped he knew the truth now and he wanted to cry. "but I stopped him. He said he couldn't live like this so I hugged him. I took the gun and I - I " he couldn't finish and Bobby didn't want him to finish. "Dean dont-"

"I killed my family Bobby." his words were like knives in Bobby's heart. "I killed my brother." Dean whispered his eyes never left Sam.

"Dean I'm sorry its gonna be ok" _bull shit_ he thought.

"It cant be ok Bobby I killed my baby brother. I was suppose to take care of him, he was my responsibility and I-I killed him" Deans voice broke he couldn't speak anymore. It was to much. Bobby looked around and didn't know what to do. This happened at least 5 or so hours ago maybe even longer and he needed to help his oldest now. Dean would never be the same but he needed to get him away from this place.

His eyes landed on Sam and knew what needed to be done. Even though his heart screamed at him for it. It was to soon to try an move on to try and live but he had to get Dean away. It was the only way to bring one son home alive, physically anyways. "I'm going to get shovels and were gonna burry Sam. He loved this place so we'll leave him here where he felt safest." Dean didn't say anything and Bobby left. looking for the tools of death that would take his son away. That would open up the ground once again but this time the dirt would be a bed and it would wrap around his youngest protecting him before nature set in.

When Bobby returned he paused next to Sam shovels in hands he could barely look at him without wanting to cry but his eyes bore into Dean who was staring at the gun in his hands inserting a clip.

"Dean" he knew his boy and he couldn't lose him too. Sam would never forgive Dean.

"your great Bobby you know that." Dean clicked the gun. His voice low and gruff. "I always wanted you to be my dad and to take care of me and Sam and you did so much for us, thank you. I'm sorry though" he looked up tears spilled over his wide pleading eyes as he put the gun under his jaw.

"DEAN"

"I just cant do it. don't make me live through this. Please. " he pulled the trigger and Dean Winchester was no more.

* * *

Bobby just stared at Deans body and couldn't do anything. His boys head was tilted to the side the wall behind him decorated in his blood, hands limp and eyes open seeing nothing. Bobby trembled. The shovels dropped from his hands, he could feel the sobs shake through him, threatening to take over.

"CAS" he screamed he couldn't do this. He couldn't lose the boys not so soon, to young!

Bobby blinked and in a second Cas stood next to him observing the damage. "Fix this" he growled at the angel.

The angel slowly walked forward till he stood in the middle of the chaos and looked from Sam to Dean sighing was all that was heard throughout the room. He looked at the ground as sadness drifted over him. "I cant fix them Bobby. I could maybe bring back Dean but Sam, he is long gone he would only return insane and I'm guessing by the looks of it that Dean pulled the trigger that ended Sam's life." Cas glanced at the old hunter but Bobby looked away.

Cas nodded and looked back at the horrific scene. Two brave young men who should have gone down fighting, not this way. This was to unfair. God always had a plan so what was this one?

"Well then I wont bring Dean back he ended his life to escape the pain of what he did and I wont force him to live with it and you shouldn't either. It would cause more damage then any good." Cas turned to leave when Bobby began to sob. He knew that the dumb ass angel was right but it still hurt. His boys. His family were gone and the old useless hunter was still here!.

Cas touched his shoulder and Bobby meet his gaze. "Normally this would be a suicide murder deal but I shall arrange for it to be seen differently. Your boys will get the heavens they deserve, I swear." the wind blew in and with the dying wind Cas was gone.

He looked to Sam then to Dean, it was to much. He fell to the floor and cried. He cried until dawn broke and the old hunter was nothing left. Standing slowly he began to move, he felt robotic almost he was barely aware of what he was doing until he stood in front of a pyre. He built it big enough for two, this would be their final show down then.

When Bobby returned he began to pick Sam up first, or tried to. The boy was heavy but now it was all dead weight. He tried again but nothing.

"Dammit" he growled as tears sprang to his eyes.

"Let me" he turned to see Cas there again. The angel walked forward, lightly touching the youngest Winchesters head and in and instant Sam's body was gone. Cas walked over to Dean and did the same thing.

He turned and looked at the hunter both with pain and understanding in their eyes they made their away outside to the two bodies that were wrapped up in gauze laying over wood ready to begin the next life. Bobby had tears going again as he lit the bottom.

The flames licked and swirled as they grew and soon engulfed his two boys. Turning them into nothing but ash.

**FINISHED!**

**OR NOT. **

**OK PEOPLE I SAW IT ENDING LIKE THIS BUT I DONT REALLY LIKE LEAVING IT LIKE THIS. SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. LET THEM DIE or try something else. **

**PLEASE review REVIEW AND LET ME KNOW**


	10. Chapter 10

**warning cussing ahead.**

Dean fell into darkness the pain the bullet caused was strong and only lasted for a few moments. And now he was surrounded in darkness patiently waiting for hell fire to consume him. He killed his brother and he killed himself he was defiantly going to hell.

"**Bad move**" a voice whispered around him consuming his darkness. He looked around him trying to not freak out but failing completely. He wasn't in heaven and he sure wasn't in hell but what was this? Purgatory? "**Mistake you made and forever it will haunt you**" Dean was trying to calm down. But wasn't succeeding. Ok smart ass mode. "who are you? doesn't feel like OZ"

**"you have a second chance. don't blow it."** a sharp pain filled him and he was thrown back swallowed by the darkness.

The smell was the first thing that he noticed, it was over whelming and gross. Next he could feel the pain in his shoulder and his back as he laid on the ground when he heard a hissing sound. A chill crept through him drenching himself in fear. Opening his eyes he looked around.

where was he?

Old cabin ugly fucking witch walking towards him. Wait hold up! Ugly fucking witch is Dead? But there she was walking towards him lifting his gun he shot her till his gun was out. She staggered back and looked down at her wounds that seeped red but that didn't matter to him. he tried to recall what was going on. He remembered this was what ended Sam. "SAM" he screamed his voice echoing around the old empty house, but there was no answer, did he really expect one?

Sam's gun floated towards him and the witch smiled her rotting teeth showing brightly. "Oh shit" he closed his eyes. He was being forced to relive his mistake this was his punishment and he deserved to die all over again for what he did. A horrible screeched filled the room and he knew this is where the witch was being stabbed by Sam.

Sammy?

His eyes flew open needing to see his brother if only for a second. The witch fell to the ground knife protruding from her back and there he stood as blood ran down his face from the open cut on his head. "Told you this was a bad idea."

Dean couldn't say anything. He was to busy staring at him. "Sammy?" he was reliving his hell but he was so happy to see his brother alive. The blood running down his face made him flash to Sam laying pale on a pillow blood flowing everywhere. He closed his eyes and wanted to die, again.

"Dean. You alright" Dean kept his eyes closed not wanting to see him. "Dean" he heard Sam's big steps coming forward when he remembered the witch.

It would hurt Sam. He couldn't see that again. "SAM STOP" he opened his eyes and saw Sam freeze where he was. "Not dead not dead yet" Sam looked down at the witch and saw her grab his leg but he was ready for that. Sam's foot kicked her in the face it collided hard against the decaying witch as she rolled to the side hissing. Waving her hand Sam went flying across the room hitting the opposite wall with a thud.

Dean struggled to sit up, the first time had been difficult he remembered but this time hate filled him giving him a new found strength he never had known. He picked up the fallen knife and kicked the witch again it screamed attempting to fight him off even though she bleed out slowly dying on the floor. He fell on the ground and began stabbing her. Again and again and again and again. His hate seeped out of him his rage went into stabbing the bitch who ruined his brother it all came pouring out of him with each new stab wound.

His arms grew weak and heavy but he kept stabbing as his tears fell. "Dean" he flinched but kept stabbing away. The witches blood covered the ground and seeped into his pants but he didn't care he hated himself hated the witch for taking what he loved most away. "Dean" a shadow fell over him but he kept stabbing. "Dean hey man its ok." gentle. His brothers voice was gentle and soft he wanted to answer he did but he didn't deserve to answer him. "DEAN" Dean looked up into the scared face that was his brother. His eyes kind not insane concern filled them not confusion. His features were pinched in his usual concern manner but the blood still covered his hair and a trail fell into his face.

He killed his brother. "I'm sorry" he went back to stabbing the witch.

"You don't win now bitch. You don't win now" he repeated it but didn't feel it. She did win she took Sammy away from him, right now though he was the winner for a short moment in this hell he was victories.

A hand covered his hand and he paused. The warmth from that hand gave him pause. It hadn't been warm and calm for weeks. Shaky cold that's all it had been. He looked at his brother and tears escaped his eyes. "Dean its ok. She's dead she's gone she cant hurt anyone anymore. She cant hurt you" Dean just stared wanting to believe.

" I failed you Sammy. I fucked up and you paid." he sat back and just stared at him.

"dean it's a witch she must have put a spell on you or something. Whatever it is hey" his brother had looked away. He looked back up at the kindness in his eyes and wanted to believe. "whatever it is you didn't fail me man." he smiled slightly. "I'm right here and I'm safe." he spread his arms wide as to demonstrate his point. He just stared.

Could it be true? He looked around was it all a spell?

He looked at Sammy and his brother smiled. He believed. "Sammy" he wrapped his arms around his brother and tears escaped. He couldn't stand it he was so happy and relief swept through him. His brother was alive. His baby brother was alive. He started laughing. Sam gently untangled himself from his brothers firm hold and stared at his brother who stared back with a grin on his face making him look like an idoit. He kept his hand on Sam's shoulder as if trying to find balance in something as sold as his shoulder.

What the hell did she do to him?

Sam glanced around ok need to get out of here. Witch was dead, witch was beyond dead. "Come on we gotta go." he pulled Dean off the bloody ground and they headed for the stairs Dean always having one hand on his brother afraid he would disappear at any moment. They reached outside and Dean fished out his car keys.

"Here you drive" he tossed them to his brother and got into the passenger seat without another word.

Sam just stared his concern hitching up another 10 fold. "ok" he said slowly. Sam slide into the impala and started her up. He was dying to ask Dean what happened but thought best to be on the road so his brother couldn't jump out and ignore him.

40 minutes later and Sam was starting to get nervous he wanted to ask but held himself back but with Deans constant staring his restraint was breaking down. "dude seriously" he glanced at Dean who refused to look away. "your freaking me out here" Dean shrugged and looked out the window. Sam sighed hopefully that would last long enough to the hotel. "DUDE" Dean looked away quickly once again.

* * *

They walked into the hotel room Sam tossed his jacket down and turned to face Dean who seemed to now have trouble looking at him. "Dean talk to me" Dean turned around and saw Sam there. His concerned face in place and the annoying eyebrow scrunch was in place and even with the blood still covering him it was the most beautiful thing Dean had seen. Dean walked forwards and hugged his brother. "I am now officially scared."

Dean laughed and pulled away. "Its nothing Sammy really" he grabbed a beer and chugged. Sam wasn't letting him off that easily a trait that once truly annoyed Dean now however it was music to his ears.

"Spill"

"there's nothing"

"Now Dean otherwise I'm calling Bobby and telling him everything and that results with a psych check for you"

Dean glared Sam shrugged. " She made me see things." he looked down recalling the horrible dream. "I saw you die man. I saw the wall break and then" he couldn't finish. He couldn't tell his brother that he was so far gone that he pulled the trigger himself to save his brother and then did himself in as well. His brother wouldn't forgive him.

"it wasn't real Dean"

Dean only nodded.

* * *

Dean woke with a start, the room was still dark and it was quiet so then why was he up? He looked around the room finding Sam who was still sleeping so brother not the reason. "hello Dean" he looked at the front of his bed and grabbed his knife. Tall young guy with white hair and a Hawaiian shirt on defiantly screamed problem.

"who are you" he slowly got out of bed and walked to Sammy. He tried waking his brother but Sam simply lay still on the bed not sensing the problem. Panic set in. "Sammy"

"He wont wake up. Were in your head so no he wont wake." Dean nodded but checked his pulse anyways. Steady beat ok now deal with threat.

"And who the hell are you"

"that's not important what is important is that I'm here to yell at you for your stupidity." he scowled. Ok weird start.

"sorry if I slept with your sister im sure she was great." the guy didn't laugh he just stared at Dean.

"you fucked up my man. You royally fucked up and your brother there had to pay the price."

Dean froze at his words. "What price what did you do to him"

"Me I didn't do anything. It was all you. Seeing your girl with another and you go half cocked break Sam's wall then kill him." Dean couldn't breath as those dreams assaulted him. Sam told him it wasn't real and he believed him had his brother been wrong? "I see" the guy nodded slowly. "you thought it was a dream or a spell something like that right?" Dean didn't respond. "sorry chap it was all real."

Pain set in, Dean sat down on his bed groaning. "oh god." tears leaked out of his eyes as he stared at his brothers sleeping form. He was laying on his stomach blankets scrunched around him his face peaceful for once and his hair rained down on him making him look years younger. Dean chocked on a sob. "I killed him"

"yes you did. Noble cause and all but that's not what I wanted to happen. You two are so into free will and all make your own destinies and you are believe me which makes my job a lot more difficult well not really." Dean looked up at him tears sliding down his face without a care in the world about them.

"So? Why should I care and how does it affect you."

the man grabbed a beer and drank before sitting at the counter. "I happen to be one of the angels of destiny"

"Damn it. We fight and we fight to break it and all you pansy bitches seem to keep coming back and telling us what to do."

"not this time. Nope this time its purely a one time deal. Sam wasn't suppose to die. Or well he was suppose to but I don't want him to. He cant die yet"

"Yet?" the angel shook his head.

"everyone dies Dean hence the yet" Dean rolled his eyes and stared at his brother. How could he do such a thing? His brother begged him but how could he? The angel continued. "your making it up as you go. I like you and your brother so I don't care. You guys fight I back you up. What will happen is unknown you rewrote what the angels wanted and worked hard to achieve that and all I can say is right on man" he rose his beer in a mock clinking.

"what are you a hippie angel?"

"in other words yes. I'm not an uptight prick who needs everything to go by the book I like change and you boys are full of it. So I tweaked with this destiny to make sure it doesn't happen. There is big things in the future for you two and I wont let some bald guy with no job get in the way of that." he sighed and got up walking towards his brother. He looked down at the youngest with pity in his eyes. "you know destiny isn't just one thing its not a straight line that is a forever and always no matter what you do. it's a couple of things that lead to different destinies. For example a women goes out to eat. She decides taco tree is her best option for the night and she goes in. she meets her future husband and has kids. One of her kids will become a great man a doctor that will help cure cancer all together. But lets say that women decides she wants something else. So she crosses the other street where in due time is being robbed and she is killed. She dies and thousands of others die as well."

he looked over at Dean. "do you understand. There is not just one destiny here that is a will happen. it's the little yes and no's in life. Yes your paths have been manipulated to get to this point and some things in your life are just a meant to be but from here on out you two ride by choices. And your choice to turn around in the bar cost your brother his life. He was dead the moment you looked up." Dean looked down ashamed. He was right. And he hated himself for it. "if everything wasn't changed by one choice you would have a garage. Even with your mother dead you would have stopped hunting and you would have fallen in love. And Sam here would be a lawyer married with 3 kids. Alec Mary and Seth. Three beautiful kids that adore their uncle Dean. But John found signs and decided to leave setting in motion everything. Don't be sad it wasn't your fault. When john got on the demons trail that's when he sent his lackey to kill Jess. She was dead the moment john looked at the weather conditions." the angel sighed and walked away.

"I brought Sam back because I like the two of you. I am with your whole fight what people through at you. it's a nice change. So don't fuck this up." he turned towards the door prepared to leave everything behind him.

"Thank you" he didn't know what else to say to the angel. "you're the first relaxed enjoyable angel we've met." Cas didn't count they were friends now he didn't included them with the pricks.

the angel smiled. "I'm one of a kind."

* * *

Dean bolted up in bed breathing heavily. Was that a dream? It was to weird to be real right? But in his heart he knew it wasn't a dream, that he really killed his brother, then he killed himself and then an angel showed up explained about destiny then left.

It was all real.

"you awake yet I wanna get out of here." he looked up at his brother who was dressed and packing. "Breakfast is on the counter" Dean got up and hugged his brother. "Still worried here dean" Dean pulled back. And the pain Sam saw in his eyes tore him apart. "Dean it wasn't real."

" I know I know but it freaked me the fuck out man." normally he wouldn't confess but he needed Sam to promise him something. " I don't want to ever see you like that so don't ever scratch that wall" Sam looked annoyed but relieve that he was talking.

"I'm not going to-"

"intentionally do it I know but if you start remembering something anything about that year or anything else you tell me and then we leave. No dealing with your problems thing because it wasn't you so we don't need to deal . You start remembering and then we leave. If I find out that you kept something from me that you remembered in anyway then were done with hunting. We will live in a shitty motel for the rest of our lives or live with Bobby. I'm still sure we can plant a couple more gray hairs on him." Dean sat down he was tired he really was and wanted to sleep forever but he needed to tell Sam the new rules.

"Don't you think your over reacting"

"no I don't. I lost you once because of it I wont let it be that way again." Sam sighed and knew mother hen wouldn't let it go. "promise me Sam. That no matter what if you remember you tell me. No matter what."

Sam nodded. "ya I promise" they were silent the rest of the time.

They were on the road with no destination ahead of them 20 minutes later. And Dean just enjoyed the car and his brothers sane company. "Dean" uh oh brother feeling talk. Dean smiled he couldn't wait. "I'm sorry about Lisa" huh not what he thought he was going to say but it didn't matter. He didn't hurt anymore by thinking about her and the other guy. Lisa was a strong woman and she would only choose the best to be around her son so Ben was safe. She was happy and they were out of the threat. This is the life he wanted. Ben and Lisa safe and riding the roads with his brother.

"Don't be"

"I know how you feel about her and what you saw"

"Seriously Sam its fine. She deserves to be happy and if baldy with a few extra pounds on him makes her happy then damn I'm going to their wedding." no response.

Silence stretched out before his brother finally found his voice. "Who are you and what have you done with my brother" Dean laughed. "five days ago you wanted to hunt the guy down and now your ok with it. I know you Dean you don't get over things that easily and in an instant like you seem to do so."

"I'm a changed man Sammy boy. I am mature." now it was Sam's turn to laugh and Dean silently rejoiced in it.

"Why the change. Not that I'm wanting you to wallow or anything but all the sudden you seem fine with it" he wasn't sure but Sam knew it was related to what happened in the cabin. "is this about the witch and what you saw" Dean flinched confirming his suspicions. "Tell me what you saw Dean to make you be a big boy now"

Dean shook his head. "I already told you"

"Not everything and not why your acting like an adult all the sudden."

"Dude"

"Come on Dean" he gave his big brother a serious face / puppy dog face that Dean could never refuse. Dean glared at him but a smile played on his lips. Dean sighed and thought about it. He knew what had changed but didn't want to tell Sam everything but he knew, God he knew his brother wouldn't let it go. "you lost it man." he took a deep breath fighting the images of his brother. "She grabbed your head and the wall came tumbling down. You were" he cleared his throat avoiding looking at his brother. " you were messed up Sam. And I couldn't fix you and when I thought about why it all happened and thought of Lisa and that guy it meant nothing to me. It didn't hurt because I knew it was right and I knew that you were more important to me I just realized it to late you know." he paused breathing fighting the tears in his eyes not wanting them to fall. "you were out of it, barely remembering stuff uh" he paused a traitors tear fell but that was it he couldn't finish. He didn't want to think about it anymore. Please Sammy don't ask me for more.

Sam saw the tear and it shocked Sam to his core. Wow he must have been really bad and he died, that he was sure of. He didn't know how either the memories or himself he didn't know and he could see that Dean didn't want to tell him so he would let it go, he had to for Deans sake.

Sam reached over and patted Dean's shoulder. His brother faced him and another tear escaped as he smiled at Dean. Both understanding that this was a conversation that would never be repeated. Both turned back to the front.

"So where to Sammy boy" Deans voice gruff shaking out the pain in his voice.

"don't know another hunt maybe" that's when he thought about it. Since he had been back, like really back he and Dean hadn't gone to a concert or any sports they hadn't just had a brother day. He looked at Dean, he was tired and stressed, it clicked Sam knew what to do, what they should have done along time ago. He pulled out his phone beginning to go online.

"Sam? Where we going"

"I was thinking we could go to a game for something or a concert" they hadn't saw anything together in a long time. Dean smiled at that. They hadn't done anything together that was normal in a long time, to long it felt like a life time ago and for Sam it was.

But they were really back together now.

"_There is not just one destiny here that is a will happen. it's the little yes and no's in life."_ yes and no's in life. Yes he loved Lisa and Ben. No he didn't want a normal life. And yes he wanted his baby brother back and "hells yes. That sounds great to me bitch"

Sam smiled thinking that maybe for once that they were going to be ok.."Jerk"

**it came to me and i wrote it done i had to . so tell me should i leave this chapter up and call this the end or do i delete and leave it off with just Chapter 9?**

**whatever your decision is please leave reviews.**

**no matter what though thank you for reading this story.**


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